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[31 Mar 2004|10:56am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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"Everybody has that thing where they need to look one way but they come out looking another way and that's what people observe. You see someone on the street and essentially what you notice about them is the flaw. It's 'ust extraordinary that we should have been given these peculiarities. And, not content with what we were given, we create a whole other set. Our whole guise is like giving a sign to the world to think of us in a certain way but there's a point between what you want people to know about you and what you can't help people knowing about you. And that has to do with what I've always called the gap between intention and effect."
~ Diane Arbus
I decided it would be wise not to attend school today. The first day of Every Fifteen Minutes was emotionally exhausting enough- watching the simulated crash, pulling out the bodies, reading an obituary with an uncanny resembles to that of travis and kevin's...and today they are having an assembly, parents are reading fake letters...most of our senior classrooms will be chalk-full of empty desks.
Why be unnecessarily masochistic?
I could use a day to sleep in and undo the damage procrastination has reaped.
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| "Get it out get it out get it out. Get your fucking voice out of my head..." |
[30 Mar 2004|07:53pm] |
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mood |
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 3 times in one night... |
] |
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music |
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kiss me kiss me kiss me... |
] |
Tonight I'm feeling like an animal.
Since Alec made the pathetic mistake of slapping me upside the head yesterday, I granted him the same respect by shoving him into a locker. He smashed his face into it though, which I hadn't intended, but we'll call that (lucky) mishap karma.
This is what happens when a normally passive human being gets fucked with far too many times. Lose my respect and I'll have no remorse drawing your blood.
Shane plays with kiddie toys in the bank.
And the myriad of windchimes that surround my house.
We got indonesian food and peanut brittle in Old Sac and ripped off the government with his fake quarters.
Drove through the cemetary in the Beast only to recieve the stink eye from an old man we decided was a ghost as we peeled out (in reverse) through the black iron gates.
Next time: Coloma.
Tiana and I shall bake brownies this evening.
Healthy ones.
[always makes me think of kyle and jason]
[..I took Diana's Rotary business card picture as well..]
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[29 Mar 2004|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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peaceful |
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I went for an hour massage today.
I don't think I have been this happy and felt this beautiful in a long time- had I a lover I would share my immensely soft skin and equally soft mood with them.
This was the first time in my life that my entire body has been touched by another and I have felt completely comfortable, and more beautiful afterward. Because any other time has been with boys whose intentions were not to lovingly benefit me, but rather coldly themselves, and who viewed my body as a thing to see and touch rather than Myself.
The woman also used the exact same oil on my skin that Jordan used.
I link my memories of him SO strongly to his scent...I was immediately lying on a bridge under a sleeping bag, playing with his hair, smelling his skin.
This is the first time I have missed him in a long time, and it was a struggle to push all of those vividly reoccuring memories from my mind.
I cant stop smelling my shoulder...
All in all, an extremely intense massage.
p.s.- To those of whom it may concern, An(drew) was not a 65 year old rapist. He is a young, attractive and kind little fellow. I may have made a genuinely nice new friend.
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[28 Mar 2004|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
( Nick's Silken Locks: R.I.P. )
Out to tea...
If this kid turns out to be a psycho killer, know that I love a select few of you and enjoy the rest.
Night.
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[28 Mar 2004|11:26am] |
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mood |
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 dirty |
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music |
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atmosphere...inspired by... |
] |
A girl once asked herself (or rather was asked by one who would think themselves higher than the acquaintance they truly were...but she saw no use in expelling the energy to correct their error) why it was that she did not delight in becoming inebriated every Saturday night. Making empty sexual connections with the network of boys (who preferred to call themselves men now- but she knew the only relevant difference that followed their replacement of a "7" with an "8" in their two-digit age-markers was the right to vote, smoke and participate in the world of erotica- all of which, when applied to these heathens, only added to her pessimistic viewpoint on life).
Then she proceeded to inquire of herself as to why she guarded herself so heavily from pursuers?
Never seemed to take interest in the prospective relationships (if those empty high school fabrications could be called such) that presented themselves?
And why she still seemed content?
Did she not need a "man"? sex???
The girl took a deep and lackadaisical breath, deciding in those few seconds of inhalation if an explanation would even be absorbed by this part of herself that she had known for 17 years (who she suspected she had never really met at all) and let fall from her lips a strangers' story.
Lyrics to a song that (in the private fortress she constructed nightly upon a mattress with satin sheets and velvet covers) she had once cried to. Finding comfort in the words of another, when her own fingertips brought warmth to her physical core, but a self-inflicted orgasm could inject no artificial warmth into the beating muscle folded within her chest. In a rhythm more familiar than "I love you" she let the pulse of its cadence slide...
I used to know this woman who had the most beautiful
tattoos on the top sides of both of her hands
she was forty three years old and as far as I know
had never yet been with a man
its not that she wasn't attractive she was beautiful
but its the way that she interacted
she was aggressively passive to the point where she
would of intimidated any mitt that ever tried to catch her
on the right hand she had a tattoo of a nude girl
she claimed it is what God resembled
but on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female
and this one she explained looked like the devil
I remember once watching her touch her own breasts
how the tattoos smiled as they stared down her stomach
as if anticipating would they be allowed to caress
the sweet flower that they both seemed to hunger
now maybe I was high but it felt so right
heaven and hell both take to this woman’s womb
it didn't make sense how she could commence
touching herself with me wide awake in the same room
now if I've learned anything in my years
I learned I no longer believe in surprise
but what happened next damn near stole my tears
the tattoos came alive right in front of my eyes
they both slowly stood up and climbed off her hands
and showed me why she never took some time with a man
they climbed deep inside of this woman's garden
she closed her eyes and she gently bit her bottom lip
I stepped I left and I don't regret leaving
and I'll never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn't get turned on I just got turned
I wasn't as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I've hurt
and every time I've been burned
I've got a lot to teach but even more to learn
so now I keep my eyes open hoping to take in all I can
about Woman taking in all she can
and for as long as I breathe I’ll save a seat in my memory
for that woman with the tattooed hands
There's good and evil in each individual fire
identifies needs and feeds our desires
as long as we keep our spirit inspired
she can bite her bottom lip all she wants
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[26 Mar 2004|10:59pm] |
I love you.
More than anyone in the world.
Even when the "amazing" boys I meet just fuck with my head (since it seems sacramento only produces this brand of males), I never really feel lonely, because I have got you.
You are everything that no one else seems to completely be- honest, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, affectionate, hilarious...plus FUCKING LOYAL which NO one seems to meet- and more.
You are one of a kind. I am lucky (and deserving) of such a fucking awesome person in my existence...
Today a guy from Club New Orleans brought me over some cajun food just because I craved it.
My job is amazing, comfortable, homely...perfect. Boring, but perfect for now.
I also didnt get hit on once today. Yay for me...
I am home early.
I need a night of rest.
Sleep well all...
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| Stolen from t-bone: FILL IT OUT AND YOU GET A BIG DINNER COOKED BY YOURS TRULY |
[25 Mar 2004|06:57pm] |
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mood |
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 soooo nervous! |
] |
| [ |
music |
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blood brothers |
] |
01. where/how did we meet?
02. did you like me right away?
03. take a stab at my middle name.
04. where do i live?
05. how long have you known me?
06. my age.
07. what's my birth date?
08. have you ever had a crush on me?
09. do you remember the first things i said to you?
10. what is the best feature about me?
11. what is the worst feature about me?
12. am i shy or outgoing?
13. would you say i'm funny?
14. how often do you think of me?
15. if there were one good nickname for me, what would it be?
16. have you ever told me that you love me?
17. are we good friends?
18. do you wish we were closer?
19. what would you change about me?
20. do you think you'll know me in five years?
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| "My spine is still tingling..." |
[24 Mar 2004|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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horny |
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I played connect the dots with your beauty marks
And I ended up with picture perfect sheet music
I read your musical notes with a composer's eyes
And heard out song for the first time
My spine is still tingling, mental images of your fine tune
is what I've been nodding my head to lately
Every now and then you can catch me humming
your nudity under my heavy breath
I heavily suggest you resurrect
your ancient neglected dust collector
If you distrust the distance in my seldom plucked heart strings
Sit stripped before your full length
Perform your reflection backwards
Maybe then you will understand the rhythm in my movement
Listen when the news is sent
Extend when the rules are bent
I'll be waiting to take your leave
Make me a victim of your two step
Make me an apprentice of your body parts
Teach me to dance to your beauty marks
I'm stepping on toes here and I don't care
It's hopeless, it's hopeless
It's hopelessness holding this openess to blow a kiss
So close your lips but don't get pissed
and throw a fist at this vocalist
I'm not emotionless, in fact I broke my wrist
when I wrote the list of all those I miss
This is my poker face, Mister Feel Nothing
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| "Were you aware that your backyard is much like a landmine? Especially in the dark..." |
[24 Mar 2004|09:15am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio |
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I had the weirdest dream of my entire life last night.
I only remember bits and pieces.
Lets just say the saga starred characters such as Hitler and his lover, Julius Caesar, Ms. Wong, Chris Proffitt, Tiana Marie, Myself and Tiana's rabbit.
I am now in the....oddest of moods...
BUT on the brighter side of things, I got a knock on my window last night from someone who surprised/shocked/pleased me and put me in a MUCH better mood.
Off to school.
Wednesday's are heavenly...
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| I am not fucking Russian, but I smell of a German. |
[23 Mar 2004|11:01pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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I suppose you acquired what it was you desired, but when all is said and done, was it worth it?
And to you dramatic little sons of bitches-
How about you grow the fuck up and all stop 1)writing private entries as opposed to being open about your feelings (i have done it as well, but jesus, live and learn) and 2) GET A GODDAMN LIFE AND STOP MANIFESTING LIVEJOURNAL DRAMA. Why, if you dislike me so, would you spend your time creating a journal to bash me, then deleting it?
Everything you said is true- I am dramatic, long-winded and can't spell for shit. BUT AT LEAST I DONT STOOP TO THOSE PATHETIC LEVELS.
Come say it to my face.
You'll leave with my sentiment imprinted on your goddamn cheekbone.
Today was bitter. And for what little sweet there was, it was false and bittersweet as well...Fuck this, I am going to bed.
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| P. Fucking. S. |
[22 Mar 2004|02:28pm] |
I had meant to add myself to the list of my disappointments, so dont fucking call me condescending or egotistical.
I do not find myself to be essentially better than anyone.
I do the same shit.
Especially with certain individuals of late.
I act so coy.
So passive.
So calm.
And although I can be all of this, those who truly know me know that I am much more than a pair of downcast eyes and a milling brain behind them. I never could have called myself coy before.
But then again, people bring out different things in you...
Seriously, these internal conflicts shouldnt even be written out.
I am waisting my eternal time.
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[22 Mar 2004|02:08pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Hellogoodbye - Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn |
] |
"I want to give up now, I've already seen how the future is going to be
But that was the old me,
bitter and lonely,
begging sympathy
And maybe their interest will quickly diminish
now that I've learned to breathe
What would it matter.. I wouldn't be sadder,
I honestly would be relieved"
...I could let words flow from my finger tips, displayed upon this screen to articulate these thoughts. My disappointment in those I had thought were "unlike all the other white-washed intellects in this crowd". My bitter feelings of judgment today (that I feel have been instigated by how much judgment you all send out). I do not want to become you. I feel more and more seperated from my friends these days. Firstly went those who I believed really meant nothing to me, save for memories and light hours spent away...but now I watch the small handful of "loved ones" slipping through my fingers.
But I wonder if maybe you are not gold.
You may very well simply be painted rocks.
I would only like to wish this is my poor eyesight shaping images...
Tiana is the only person I do not doubt, because I have known her long enough and through enough shit to know who she is and that her intelligence and other admirable virtues are not compramisable. But new friends...leave you disappointed.
I realize I am saying things I shouldnt say since some of these persons may indeed be all of the things I originally saw them as. I am just in a pessimistic mood...
Tianacion is coming over. She will lift my spirits, fill my bookcase and get icecream with me...and I am sure once the sharp edges of my criticisms soften in the sun I may regain the hope I have now thrown upon my bedroom floor.
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| "Its not summer so stop being like 90 degrees, ass..." |
[21 Mar 2004|08:38pm] |
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mood |
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 better |
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music |
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"Ooooo, what a little moonlight can do to you..." |
] |
Be prepared.
I WILL show up at your house announced, 3am, spray bottle and scissors in hand one of these fine days.
Just you wait my darling, just you fucking wait.
In other news, I spent my whole weekend working and got much of nothing else done.
Now I dread giving out samples and hope to god this gripping fear dies off...and also hope that man was an out-of-towner.
I honestly believe Kyle has lost his appreciation for me as a friend...maybe we should only talk on the phone and never hang out, because it seems as if every time we do these days he is more annoyed, more distant..and less like one of my best friends.
I shall not let this deteriorate further.
....my fingers smell like taffy.
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[21 Mar 2004|10:19am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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It brought back a feeling I never wanted to experience again.
I felt sick to my stomach and shaky for the rest of my shift.
I am scared shitless at the thought that he would have the audacity to do that, and infront of other people...and I wonder, had I been working alone how it may have differed.
Danielle has proven herself such a kind heart to me...and I am just grateful she was there to provide a lap to lay in, hand to stroke my hair and her time to listen to me process regurgitated emotions/memories. It lifted me in good enough spirits to make fun of Dawn of the Dead.
Even if I did lay in bed for hours later.
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| NICKERBOCKERS- BURN ME THAT F'NG CD!!!! |
[20 Mar 2004|01:49am] |
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Sometimes I stop moving long enough to realise just how fucking boring of a person I am in actuality. I am going to bed...
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| My best friend is ten times better than yours |
[18 Mar 2004|08:24pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
Although I don't get reception in Old Sac, I get this (sent at 2:30) whilst on my creepy ass bike ride home:
"I love you! Good luck on your first day of worky work! = )"
I love my Tianacion so freaking much.
On another note, I LOVE my job.
I think I have learned quickly why they hired me- I am simply the pretty smile that sits outside absorbing come-ons from creepy guys and luring customers in. Today I was convinced by a 4 year old that I am indeed Snow White, scared 2 people who thought I was a manequine and may have a date with a random guy from Long Island.
My co-workers are extremely fun and hilarious (Jason bought me chocolate covered honey comb on our break), my manager is AMAZINGLY laid back and the job itself is quite nice (save for the fact that we dont use air conditioner and I now look as if I just wrestled a pig in the midst of a dust storm).
I am now in the process of cooking us a fabulous dinner- penne pasta with a homemade mushroom basil sauce, garden salad and garlic bread.
You're jealous.
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| GAH!!! |
[17 Mar 2004|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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mmhmmm |
] |
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music |
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Damien Rice (his voice is sex without touching) - Volcano |
] |
The radio fades in and-
This song!
This song!
This song!
This song!
This song!
Je suis mother-fucking chaud.
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| With glossy eyes locked in contact on the couch with you, a Boring Face... |
[17 Mar 2004|02:32pm] |
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mood |
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 come play in the sprinklers!!! |
] |
The cell phone bill came.
Luckily the 49 text messages were only 10 cents each, so I suppose he and I can continue our preoccupations during class.
My brother looks amazing.
He, Isabella, mom and I went out to dinner for her birthday...I cannot begin to express how I felt watching him interact with Iza...Having watched him empty out and turn off when D.R. died....and never fully recover it seemed...I honestly believed he would never act the same, hold the same enthusiasm for life or anything it may offer him...But Isabella seems to have pulled from within him something hidden that, no matter how hard we tried, mom and I could only hope was even there.
I love him so much. I am not sure I have been able to say that since elementary school- When we still talked after school, and beat each other up until someone was locked out of the house, and he beat the shit out of a kid with a broom for being mean to me...I really miss the bond we had before D.R. died...we were so fucking close- then the breaking point.
But maybe things are changing again.
I will never be able to crawl into his bed and cry until he coos me into sleep, and he will never be able to come to me and ask if I want to watch Sandlot and eat one huge bowl of 6 packs of Top Ramen...But maybe we can talk again, I just want his affection back, so that I can project mine as I did with a fierce loyalty in childhood. He was the first person with whom my loyalty formed and was attached...he pummeled kids for me and I bit a 8th grader in 3rd grade for him...I want that feeling back.
I will have that feeling back.
Having never experienced a true or kind love from my dad, Isaac has been the only man in my life who ever truly cherished me.
I wonder if he still even does...
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| Do his hands through your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in? |
[16 Mar 2004|02:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 My GOD what is going on??? |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Yeah Yeah Yeahs...I may be seeing them tonight... |
] |
What is this mood?
What is this mood?
What is this mood?
I look at your pictures...and his...and even his...and laugh at myself. What was I thinking? What am I thinking? Platonic relations are the only logical, harmless and worthwhile ones with boys. At least with every boy- and I do mean every- I have met thus far in life. Chelsea- STOP "WHAT IF"ING!!!Pointlessness clears paths that lead nowhere, or somewhere less pleasant than where you are now. You wanted attention- you got attention from multiple sources. But none of it is worthwhile. None of it was more than trivial distractedness.
I feel sick sick sick right now. Antsy I suppose. Like I am about to tear my hair out and scream if I do not set my body to action soon. My stomach huuurts from this peculiar high-strung state I have got myself mixed up in. I need to get out of this house. The zoo failed, the beach failed, San Francisco failed...so many plans dying over the past few days. I cannot stop tapping my toes.
I am not unhappy I am just amused.
Amused and slightly freaked out by this mood.
My body feels like a bomb. I feel like I am on Ritalin.
Someone come save me!!!
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| I hear what others say. I learned from my last mistake. Fuck repeats. MOVING ON. |
[15 Mar 2004|07:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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I doubt you'll read this. |
] |
A - Age: 17
B - Band listening to right now: Mc Solaar
C - Career future: How should I know what it WILL be? I only know it WILL NOT be a desk job, a job that does not allow self expression or a job you slave at for good money.
D - Dad's name: David
E - Easiest person to talk to: Tiana by far.
F - Favorite song: right now? Its still Atmosphere - Woman With the Tattooed Hands.
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: i'm a vegetarian...*cough lame cough* bears.
H - Hometown: Anchorage, Alaska
I - Instruments: My voice...and the random ones in my room I suppose (guitar, keyboards, kid-accordion, birembau, bongos, recorder, etc.)
J - Job: as of yesterday- Munchies...I WORK IN A FUCKING OLD FASHIONED CANDY SHOPPE BITCHES! You're jealous.
K - Kids: later
L- Longest car ride ever- 12 hours or so
M-Mom's name- Therese...until some asian chick she worked with couldnt pronounce it years back and she became Trish.
N - No. of people you slept with: My self, heh.
P - Phobia[s]: someone ripping out my earrings.
Q - Quote: Favorite right now? "It is intellectually currupt to condone mass suicide as a form of political rebellion. But that's just me- others don't agree, and thats fine. Um- maybe they should read more...and not the newspaper." ~ John Malkovich (sounds better when he says it)
R - Reason to smile: Today I stopped looking around at others, looked down and realized I had been standing on solid ground all along.
S - Song you sang last: "Victime de la mode..."
T - Time you wake up: alarm set for 6:15, but lately I have been sleeping until 7...its the late night phone calls.
U - Unknown fact about me: I am OCD about having volumes set on even numbers...with the exception of 25 (which I figure is because 25 is 1/4th of 100, which is a solid even number...)
V - Vegetable you hate: I LOVE vegetables...if avacado is a veggie though, I fucking HATE THEM.
W - Worst habit: nail biting...or talking too much/loud
X - X-rays you've had: my teeth and my knee/back when I took a bad fall on my horse.
Y - Yummy foods: thai red curry
Z - Zodiac sign: leo...doulbe leo (for those of you who know what that means...for those of you who dont...it means I am extremely vivacious, loud and bossy)
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